Our Infertility Story | The End
We’re nearing the end of our infertility story. I’ve shared with you the beginning of the process, our roller coaster through IVF, and our transfer day. Tonight I will wrap it up by sharing what happened after our transfer.
This is The End of Our Infertility Story.
Our transfer day came and went and I spent the week following on bedrest to give our little embryos the best chance of implantation. After that we would wait another week before I would go back to KU Med for a blood test to determine if I was pregnant and if so, what my levels were.
That one week wait seemed like an eternity.
I had a good feeling though.
I couldn’t explain it, something just felt right.
On August 8th at 9am my mother-in-law, Staci, tagged along with me for my appointment in KC. I had convinced Jesse that we were just going for a check up appointment and wouldn’t know if we were pregnant for another week so he didn’t need to come with me.
I did this for 2 reasons: 1. If we were pregnant I had a big plan to surprise him. 2. If we weren't, I knew I would need time to get my mind right before breaking the news to him.
The blood draw was quick and easy and we made the trip home. My nurse/IVF coordinator, Jeny would give me a call at noon with the results.
Now I read a lot of stories of other couples’ IVF stories during our journey and so many of them resulted in the wife taking an at home pregnancy test before the blood test.
They just couldn’t wait.
But I could.
I didn’t have any desire to take another at home test after all of the negatives I had gotten over the course of our journey.
And so I waited for Jeny’s call. Noon came and went and Staci text me at least 5 times asking what Jeny said.
But no call.
I was paranoid.
I started to worry.
If she wasn’t calling did that mean that something was wrong? I convinced myself that she must be busy and decided to drive around town because I couldn’t just sit at home.
I was so anxious.
Finally around 12:45 I got the call. “Hey lady! It’s Jeny! So I have some good news! YOU’RE PREGNANT! Congratulations!”
I can’t even come up with words to describe this moment of my life. I can’t. It was the most amazing feeling. I cried and just kept telling her “I knew it, I just KNEW IT.”
The conversation continued and I couldn’t even focus on what she was telling me. She did let me know that my progesterone was low and I would need to take meds to get that number up (progesterone is crucial for the baby. Low progesterone levels can result in miscarriage.)
I called Staci and found out where she was and somehow managed to keep my cool and not spill the beans.
I had bigger plans of how I wanted to tell her.
I called my friend Mandy and my sister, Kirsten. They were at a pool out of town so I called the pool and made the desk worker go track them down.
I think that worker thought I was insane.
I had to tell them!
My joy was their joy!
We were all so thrilled and excited!
My mom was in group fitness certification all day so I blew up her phone with a million calls and finally she answered. Mrs. Cool-as-a-cucumber already knew I was pregnant. She had a feeling all along.
I think we all did.
Finally I met up with Staci. Back in December when I was just SURE I was pregnant I had gotten her a bracelet that said “To the Moon and Back.” That’s one of her favorite sayings with the grandkids so I knew that it was the perfect pregnancy reveal gift. I put the bracelet in a card and gave it to her “from her new grand baby.”
That moment was another I won’t forget. Together we had been through hell and back during the course of the baby making adventure and we both looked at this as a miracle.
Our miracle baby.
Now that she knew we just HAD to tell my father-in-law. We were weary about this because he and Jesse are attached at the hip and we didn’t know if he would be able to keep the secret.
I don’t know how, but he did.
I broke down and went to CVS and bought a digital at home pregnancy test. I’d never gotten a ‘pregnant’ before and it was something I just HAD to see. That was the best $13 I had ever spent.
I avoided talking to Jesse for the rest of the afternoon and when he got home from work I convinced him that Mandy got a new camera lens (she’s a photographer, check out her work here) and she wanted to ‘practice’ on us before her session later that night.
My husband is a trusting man. He completely believed me and (reluctantly) went with me to Mandy’s for a couple of photos. (He hates pictures so I’m just going to thank God for somehow making him agree to do this).
Little did he know that Mandy and I had already planned out a huge reveal for him.
The look on his face when he finally read that he was going to be a daddy is one that will be in my mind and heart forever.
Happy isn’t a good enough word.
It’s not joy.
It was so much better than that.
We were going to have a baby!!!
On August 10th and 12th I went back to the doctor for more blood work just to insure that things were progressing. My numbers were good. REALLY good. Google said that numbers like that meant twins…or even more. (Oh, Google). We wouldn’t be able to have an ultrasound to determine the number until Wednesday the 19th.
Then just as my heart burst with happiness after Jeny’s call, it broke when I started cramping and bleeding.
Again I kept this from Jesse because I couldn’t stand getting him worried. I went to Mandy’s house and cried.
I just knew I was losing the baby(s).
I called and emailed Jeny telling her about it. She was calm and reassured me that this could be completely normal and not to worry. This eased my nerves until the bleeding got really bad over the next couple of days.
I remember sitting there asking God, “why are You doing this!? Why are You taking my baby away!?”
By Sunday it was so bad that I looked Jeny up on Facebook and explained that I really thought I was miscarrying. My appointment wasn’t supposed to be until Wednesday but she wanted me to come Monday instead.
Keep in mind I had kept all of this from Jesse, so by this point I had to let him know a little bit of what was going on since I would be going to KC unexpectedly. I told him that I was bleeding and that they wanted to check things out. I told him it wasn’t a big deal; completely normal. Thank goodness he believed me.
I didn’t sleep Sunday night and left as early as possible Monday morning. Mandy offered to join me but I wanted to be alone. I was a hot mess and needed to face this on my own.
I felt like I could throw up.
I cried the whole way.
I needed a miracle.
Please God give us a miracle.
The sunrise was beautiful that morning. I’ll never forget looking at it and wondering how something so beautiful could take place when my world was suddenly so dark. I believe now that it was God’s way of trying to distract me. I needed to calm down and get my mind right.
Trust in Him.
I arrived at the office and Jeny took me back right away. I think she was worried for me but she never let me know it.
Dr. Marsh came in and I explained what had been happening. We did an ultrasound.
I prepared for the worst.
Then…I got my miracle.
She pointed to the screen, “Do you see those circles? Those are gestational sacs…and the flickers inside of them are heartbeats.”
Not only was I still pregnant but we were having twins!
My heart couldn’t take it. I went from the lowest feeling imaginable to completely ecstatic.
I called Mandy. And Jesse. And my sister. And my mom. And Staci.
I was on cloud nine. I was 6 weeks pregnant with angel babies. Nothing could ruin this feeling!
We would continue at KU Med until I was 10 weeks pregnant. I had weekly ultrasounds and blood work to insure that things kept going as they should and that our little embryos kept growing on pace.
We were so extremely excited. We ordered two car seats and two cribs. Mandy did pregnancy announcement photos so that she could have them edited and ready once we decided to make things ‘Facebook official’.
Everything was perfect.
At our 8 week appointment we were prepared to hear the heartbeats (prior to this we could only see them.) Jesse and I met my mom for the appointment. We went back to the ultrasound room and I had my phone ready to take a video of our babies and their heartbeats.
She started the ultrasound. There they were! Two sacs and two babies! But then…”so I’m only finding one heartbeat, would you still like to video it?”
My heart sank.
My brain shut down.
Like some kind of robot, I took the video.
She took a ton of measurements of baby A and baby B (the demise).
She left the room and mom asked what the heck just happened? Both she and Jesse just didn’t get it.
Only one heartbeat.
Only one baby.
There are moments in your life that you react in ways that are unexpected. This was one of those moments. I remember telling them that we only had one baby.
I didn’t cry.
I was calm.
I think I was in shock.
Then we met with Jeny and I lost it. Completely lost it.
After all of this, WHY!?
She was heartbroken for us.
It was truly devastating.
That was a very long and hard trip home that day.
The car seats arrived and so did the cribs in the days following and each drop off had me wanting to tell the FedEx man to turn around and leave.
I didn’t want to see him or that stupid extra car seat.
Time passed and somehow we survived. It’s true that time heals all wounds but this took a long time. I knew I needed to be strong for the baby I was growing but how to do that, I just didn’t know.
I read an article that said when you suffer the loss of a twin it can be hard because at every milestone you are reminded of what should’ve been. Two genders, two births, two babies crawling, walking, and growing.
It is a very difficult thing to process.
We hit the 10 week mark and had our final ultrasound. Our baby was doing fantastic; measuring perfectly and had a consistent heartbeat in the 170s. We graduated from KU Med. We were officially a ‘regular pregnancy’.
I can tell you that through all of the things we went through, the ups and downs, certainty and disbelief, there was nothing like the feeling when Jeny called and told me I was pregnant and then finding out that our baby B didn’t make it. Two opposite ends of the emotional spectrum.
I can look back now and see that everything not only made me a stronger person, but a better mother.
The relationships I have with my ‘support crew’ are stronger and closer because of the challenges we all faced together.
I look at my son every single day and night and thank God for making me his mommy. I am so blessed to be able to say that I was there to witness him being conceived. I saw him transferred into me. We have photos of him from day one and every week there after until 12 weeks.
There were times when all of the odds were against us yet here we are.
We have Kreed.
He is truly a miracle.
Infertility is a powerful thing. In one way it is the most terrible thing imaginable yet also one of the best things to ever happen to me.
Our story was long and it was hard but if I could take it back, I honesty wouldn’t.
Infertility taught me hope.
It taught me who I am.
It helped turn me into the person I need to be.
Because of infertility, I witnessed a miracle first hand.
I made my way out of the darkness and into the light and am stronger because of that.
But above all, because of infertility, I am a mom.