The Worst Thing That Has Never Happened to Me


Reliving an incredibly scary moment from Friday, January 13. The worst thing that has never happened to me.


Today.


Today, for a split moment, I felt a gut wrenching fear that is totally and completely unexplainable.

Around noon I laid Kreed down for his afternoon nap. Shortly after, our uncle came by with a truck load of fire wood to help us out since Jesse hadn’t had time to get out and cut some himself (thanks uncle Danny, you’re a lifesaver!).

I spent about 30 minute outside helping him unload the truck.

I returned back inside and peered through a crack in Kreed’s bedroom doorway, checking on him. He was sound asleep.

An hour went by. I looked in again. Still asleep, and in the same position.

Kreed is not one to stay in one spot as he sleeps. It seems as though every time I check on him he is on the opposite side of the crib. (I swear he throws parities in there when we aren’t looking.) I brushed it off and told myself it must just be a fluke deal.

Another hour went by totaling a 3 hour nap which is totally not like him at all.

Again I checked on him. Again he was in the same position.

This time I couldn’t brush it off. I tiptoed into the room and looked at him. He looked strange…his eyes and lips weren’t full of color like normal.

I touched his chest.

I couldn’t feel anything.

By this time my mind was racing. “Oh my God. Oh my God.”

Panic.

I lightly shook his chest.

Nothing.

Double panic.

I screamed, “Kreed!! Oh my God!”

It all happened so fast yet it felt like minutes were going by.

They say that when you have near death experiences, your life flashes before your eyes…well I can only describe this as something similar to that. Only it was his life.
I don’t know if it was all that we went through with our infertility journey that programmed my brain to expect the worst in every situation but sadly this wasn’t the first time my mind went to the conclusion that I had lost my child.
I scooped him up, limp, from the crib and repeated his name.
At this point he slowly woke up, looked at me like I was crazy, and began to cry.

I began sobbing and was shaking.

He was fine. Totally and completely fine. Apparently he was just in a very VERY deep sleep. But for a moment, my worst fears were all I could think of.
 mom life

I thought I lost my baby…and that…that is the worst thing that has never happened to me.

To those of you who have had to face the loss of a child, my heart is with you. You are strong and I am so sorry for your loss. 

 

  1. Valerie - Mom is Such a Nerd

    January 24, 2017 at 4:08 pm

    Absolutely terrifying! I had those moments before. I think it gets worse as they get older. When you are supposed to pick them up from somewhere and you don’t see them or you know they are walking home (from 2 houses down), but they are late 7 minutes late and OMG WHERE ARE THEY? Or maybe that’s just me and I’m a crazy paranoid helicopter mom or something. HAHAHA! I’m glad everything is okay. He is absolutely adorable <3

    1. lenae8998@gmail.com

      February 10, 2017 at 8:42 pm

      Thank you so much for making me feel a little less crazy! It’s crazy how paranoid being mommas makes us!!! I’m sure this is only the beginning!

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